Last night I got so drunk that when I got ………

Last night I got so drunk that when I got to the bottom of the stairs,

I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear.

Then I crept upstairs very quietly, so as not to wake the kids or my other half.

It was only when I got to the very top I realized I was still on the bus home.

 

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Daily Joke – The Sniffer Dog……..

A man settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever between them in the middle seat.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on  the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a ‘sniffing  dog’.

‘His name is Sniffer and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.’

The plane took off and, once it had leveled out, the Policeman said ‘Watch this.’
 
He told Sniffer to ‘search’.
 
Sniffer  jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman’s arm.

The Policeman said ‘Good boy’ and he turned to the man and said ‘That woman is in possession of marijuana. I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

‘Gee, that’s  pretty good,’ replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The dog sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat and this time he placed two paws on the agent’s arm.


The Policeman said, ‘That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.’

‘I like it!’ said his seat mate.

The  Policeman then told Sniffer to ‘search’ again.

Sniffer walked up  and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, ‘What’s going on  ?’

The Policeman nervously replied, ‘He’s just found a bomb.’

Sexist Humor – Beer contains Female…….

beer women drive talking

Joke of Today – WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

 WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

 A drunk man who smelled strongly of beer sat down on on the Tube next > to a priest.

The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat  pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say > Father, what causes arthritis?”

The priest replies, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”

The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be buggered, ” Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

“I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. 

How long have you had arthritis?”

The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

Teen & Y Generation 10 Commandments….. Oh Dear!!!

1. Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
(why wait that long)

2. Thou shall not do drugs.
(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)

3. Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.
(Wal-Mart has a bigger selection)

4. Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.
(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)

5. Thou shall not steal from your parents.
(everyone knows grandma has more money)

6. Thou shall not get into fights.
(Cat fight anyhow…just start them.)

7. Thou shall not skip class.
(just take the whole day off)

8. Thou shall not wear revealing clothes in class.
( Hooters pays more)

9. Thou shall not think about having sex.
(like Nike says, “just do it”)

10. Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.
(just leave ’em in the middle)

Sometimes a business’s success is based on….

Old Person Sex Humor: Irish Coffee: An Old Women, Her Husbands Libido and Viagra…….

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband’s libido.

‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor?

‘Not a chance’, she said. ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’

‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’. It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee, he won’t even taste it.. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me  know how things went.’

A week later when she called the doctor, who  directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, ‘Oh, faith,  bejaysus and begorrah!  T’was horrid!… Just terrible,  doctor!’

‘Really? …….What happened?’ asked  the doctor.

‘Well, I did as you advised and slipped it  in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.  

He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his  eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!  

With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and  tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!

It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!’

‘Why so terrible?’ asked the doctor, ‘Do you mean the Sex your husband provided wasn’t  good?’

‘Feckin jaysus, ’twas the best Sex  I’ve had in 25 years!

But sure as I’m sittin here, I’ll never  be able to show me face in ‘McDonalds’ again! 

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