Joke Of The Day… "Learn To Swear"

Learn to swear

A 7-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.

‘You know what?’ says the 7-year-old, ‘I think it’s about time we started Swearing.’

The 4-year-old nodshis head in approval, so the 7-year-old says,

When we go downstairs for breakfast I’m going to swear first, then you swear after Me, ok?’

‘Ok’ the 4-year-old, agrees with enthusiasm..

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7-year-old what he wants for Breakfast.

‘Oh, shit mum, I don’t know, I suppose I’ll have some Coco Pops’

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up,

And ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4-year-old and asked with a stern voice, ‘ And what do YOU
Want for breakfast, young man?’

‘I don’t know,’ he blubbers, ‘but it won’t be f**king Coco Pops’

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Just A Quickie… A surgeon operating on a man accidentally cuts offthe patient’s testicles

A surgeon operating on a man slips and accidentally cuts off the patient’s testicles.

He quickly inserts two onions and sews him back up.

One month later, the man goes back for a check-up.

“Any problems?” asks the surgeon.

“A few,” explains the man.

“I cry when I pee, my wife gets heartburn after sex and I get a hard-on when I see a cheese sandwich!”

Police Joke – A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. Herolled down his window and ..

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, 

“Is there a problem, Officer?” 

“No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award.

Congratulations. What do you think you’re going to do with the money?” 

The driver thought for a minute and said, “Well, I guess I’ll go get that drivers’ license.”

The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, “Oh, don’t pay attention to him – he’s a smart butt when he’s drunk and stoned.”

The guy from the back seat said, “I TOLD you guys we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car!” 

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, “Are we over the border yet?”

Very Crude Religious Joke – A Priest goes fishing and hooks a hugefish…….

A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says “Whoa, look at the size of that f**ker!”
 
“Hey, mind your language!” says the priest.
 
Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, “sorry father, but that’s what this fish is called – it’s a F**ker fish”
 
Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.
 
“Look at this huge f**ker” says the priest, spotting the bishop.
 
“Language please! This is God’s house,” replies the bishop.
 
“No, no – that’s what this fish is called,” says the priest.
 
“Oh,” says the bishop, scratching his chin “I could clean that f**ker And we could have it for dinner”..
 
So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior.
 
“Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?” he asks her.
 
“My, what language!” she exclaims, clearly shocked.
 
“No, sister that’s what the fish is called – a f**ker” says the bishop.
 
Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, “wonderful, I’ll cook that f**ker tonight, the Pope is coming for dinner!”
 
The fish tastes just great and the Pope asks where they got it.
 
“Well, I caught the f**ker!” says the priest.
 
“And I cleaned the f**ker!” says the bishop.
 
“And I cooked the f**ker!” says the mother superior.
 
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap,

puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says

“You know what? You c**ts are alright.”

Joke of Today – WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

 WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

 A drunk man who smelled strongly of beer sat down on on the Tube next > to a priest.

The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat  pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say > Father, what causes arthritis?”

The priest replies, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”

The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be buggered, ” Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

“I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. 

How long have you had arthritis?”

The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

Funny Clever Joke: A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when….

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered.

He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.

The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her.

Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, ‘I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.’

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The young man replied, ‘You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.’

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man’s hand along with her address.

She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, “Clean my house.”

Todays Sexist Joke – An Old Flame…..

The Old Flame 

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called ‘out-of-the-blue’ to see if I was still around.

 We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

 I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that “old magic”.

 “Wow!” I was flabbergasted.

 “I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now”, I said,

“I’m a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me.

Plus I don’t really have the energy I used to have.”

 She just giggled and said she was sure I would “rise to the challenge”.

 “Yeah.” I said. “Just so long as you don’t mind a waistline that’s a few inches wider these days!

Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone…everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!”
 She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
 She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
 Anyway, she giggled and said, “I’ve put on a few pounds myself!”
So I told her to f**k off.

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