Think Before you speak…….

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,

“How much do you charge for a shampoo and a bl*w job?”

I turned around and walked back out and never went back 

My husband didn’t say a word… he knew better.

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Adults Only ‘Naughty Riddle’ for the true intellectual **For AdultViewers ONLY!**

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.

Try to come up with the answer on your own.

The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through.

Here’s the riddle:

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth.

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.

The other is getting a blow job from an 85-year-old toothless woman.

They are both thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?

‘Don ‘t look down.” Don ‘t look down.”

Kate Middleton; French magazine publishes more topless images

Prince William and his wife Catherine have reacted with fury after a French magazine published topless photos of her, saying it raised the spectre of press harassment of William’s mother Diana.

The young British royals, who are currently in Malaysia, were consulting lawyers over what they called a “grotesque” breach of privacy by the French version of Closer magazine, palace officials said.

The exclusive grainy pictures show Catherine, 30, wearing just the bottoms of bikini and having sunscreen rubbed onto her by William while on holiday in the south of France.

“Their royal highnesses have been hugely saddened to learn that a French publication and a photographer have invaded their privacy in such a grotesque and totally unjustifiable manner,” St James’s Palace said.

“The incident is reminiscent of the worst excesses of the press and paparazzi during the life of Diana, Princess of Wales, and all the more upsetting to the Duke and Duchess for being so.”

The statement said officials acting on behalf of the couple “are consulting with lawyers to consider what options may be available to the Duke and Duchess”.

First Glimpse……

A Blonde In The Bar…..

Tom, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 PM news was coming on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Tom and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”

Tom says, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”

The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”

Tom placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!”The blond better.

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Tom saying, “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”

Tom replied, “I can’t take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.”

The blond replied, “I did too; but I didn’t think he’d do it again.”

Tom took the money…..

A guy and his wife are sitting around bored with nothing to do……

A guy and his wife are sitting around bored with nothing to do.

The guy turns to his wife and says,

“Tell me something that will make me really happy and sad at the same time, that should spice things up.”

His wife thinks for a moment then says,

“You have the biggest penis out of all of your friends.”

Aussie Barbecue – A Joke or The Truth…..

Aussie Barbecue Joke

After 4 long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to summer and Barbecue season. Therefore, it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it’s the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the Barbecue, usually on a Saturday, the following chain of events is put into motion:

Barbecue Routine

1) The woman buys the food.

2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine….

5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine…..

8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:barbeque jokes

10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11) They tell good old Aussie barbie jokes like:
Question: What do you call a boomerang that wont come back? 
Answer: A stick.

12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ‘her night off.’ And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women….

Todays Funny Photo – "Don’t Worry Baby, My Guitar Stops……

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